down in the dumps...

The last couple of days I have gotten out of bed with a chip on my shoulder. I am so frustrated with myself. But as always it has made me do some heavy soul searching. I realized that I miss my kids....not just the grandkids but my kids...Justin, Jaci and Geni...even those extended kids, Jarred and Lisa. On the way home tonight Helen and I were talking and I told her that I realized that you just don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore. I can vividly remember ladies at church getting upset with me when I said I could not wait for the kids to grow up...they would tell me not to say that and I would be sorry one day. Of course in my grown up knowledge that I had way back then would inform them that I would not be....guess what....my grown up knowledge stunk and here I sit.

We walked through the mall tonight. Since the kids were little when we lived here I saw so many memories. Then to add insult to injury, we walked past the play area where Joe and I took the kids, and right next to it, there pretzel place that Jaci hit everytime we came back around the mall to pick up the kids....memories. They are special but no one ever told me that they could be painful as well. Good memories so how come they hurt so much?

Geni is moving to Colorado in a month or so...big baby mommy asks her if she will come and visit her before heading to Colorado....hmmm... whose the grown up here? I love the pictures that Geni and Jaci have on their my spaces of them...I see the backgrounds and remember times....then all the pictures that we have on the computers my oh my...I sit sometimes for hours just watching them all cycle....so many memories. My how I miss my kids.

So, missing the kids isn't enough...I had this chance for a new job. One I thought I was going to get...one I was excited for...I still don't know if it will pan out...I keep holding hope against hope that it will but each new day and no word brings me down. Why should I be upset about not getting it? This way I can still get time off as wanted if I stay where I am within reason of course but I get to work with my sister and we carpool. I don't have to work from noon to 9 pm or later....but here I sit with a chip on my shoulder all because my ego just can't take not one more ounce of rejection. I keep reminding God that I did not ask Him to give me patience...I thought I had learned that lesson maybe one of the 30 or more times in the past. Evidently not....

I realized that no matter how many times I promise Joe that I will be happy if....that I won't. Sad truth to have to face. Now of course I have a new if only....gee won't Joe be excited...

I said all that to say don't worry about me I will push through this. Thanks to Jaci and Geni for the phone calls I guess they picked up my little woes over the phone...thanks to Helen and Joe for continuing to put up with my "ways" and for overlooking them as much as is humanly possible and for being supportive and always there....

I love you all!