a new year...a new beginning

As I face the outlook of a new year, I have some thoughts...random and probably won't be put in a good format but hope you can follow them. I have realized that Joe and I are on our own. We no longer have our children near us. Though it hurts me deeply, I know that it is a new beginning for us. But, as a mother who put much into raising her children (not always doing my best but as best as I could), it is a hard realization for me. Maybe it is the newness of it that makes it so hard for me. I am not sure just why it is hard but trust me it has not been an easy transition for me.

I face this time with fear and trepidation as to what the future holds. I also look at it as a time for Joe and I to get to know each other again and the opportunity to do things that we did not get to do before.

As I look at each of my children, I realize that they have a lot to learn and experience and that I can no longer be the safety net for them. Justin has Lisa and Jaci has Jarred. Geni is her own independent person and it thrills me to see each of them in their own environment. But at the same time it is hard for me to let them go. But I know that I must.

The Lord has blessed me with three lovely and responsible children who have given Joe and I much joy and happiness in our lives. I pray that each one of them will find the abilities it takes to make the best of their lives to continue to strive when it feels like there is nothing left to strive for and to bless every soul that they touch as they have blessed our lives in being our children.

As they grow and no longer live near each other, may they find a way to continue to keep the bond between them strong as my sister and I have. Sometimes it appears to us that we are no longer close but, you need only look at pictures taken and watch the interaction between each other to know that it is there. Life just sometimes seems to get in the way at the wrong time. Once again, it all comes to forming us and making us who we are.

My wish for this new year is for each of us to feel the love and joy of family and to strive throughout the year to continue to keep that bond close throughout every situation that arises and believe me, they will arise.

I hope that my children know that I love beyond a shadow of a doubt. I always will no matter the distance.

snowed under but it was great!

Well, I arrived back home tonight from spending almost two marvelous weeks with Jarred, Jaci and of course the grandkids ;)))))) It was wonderful to get there and see them all in action. I so enjoyed the time I got to spend with everyone and thank Jarred and Jaci for their hospitatlity. Much to ask when our entire family showed up on their doorstep with Jaci very pregnant and ready to be done. It was a wonderful christmas...I am so blessed to have a wonderful family to share with.

On a sad note, I came home not getting to meet Jocelyn yet but I know the time will come. Have to see what can be done.....

Again Jaci and Jarred, love you greatly and appreciate your opening your house to us all. Thanks for the memories.

Over the river and through the woods to Lillian's house we went...

We spent a wonderful long weekend at Lil and Adam's house. It is always so neat to me to see the "kids" that I knew so long ago now married and in their own house. Christy and her husband Alex were there also. We had such a great time. Missouri is beautiful especially the area of Wappapella where they live. Lil and Christy have grown so much and even though I am just their aunt, I was very proud of them. They both have made wonderful choices in their mates and you can see that they both are very happy. Watching Helen with them was really neat to me as well. She is very content with being with her girls. She was so happy. I loved it. Thanks Lil for the hospitality and listening to me moan about being cold. I love you.

A job update: nothing yet. I am still putting in applications. Time will tell. I am thinking about trying to put in temp applications until after Jaci has the baby that way I will be able to take off without worrying about it. But, the money has to cover my bills and that is the big thing at this time.

Well, time to eat dinner. Will update more soon.

Work ethics

I lost my job on Friday. Probably the very first job I have ever been let go of. I had just set up my work area to flow for me. I spent the day working hard. I cleaned my area and in a trucking company it will never stay clean. I cleaned out file drawers, lots of them. I worked hard while my co workers sat in their chairs and read magazines, chatted on the phone and just put in their time. I have always been a hard worker and find those that don't work hard or hardly work sad to me. The sad part is that they always seem to be younger than me. I am scared that this world that we are in right now has adults with little or no work ethics. Why not go into work and work hard. Did I want to be there? Or course not but, I was there and I might as well do things that will benefit me as well as others. I was sad to lose my job because I knew that once I was not there and I mean to give myself no kudos, but the work would not get done. why can I say that? Because before I arrived it did not get done on time. Why would I think that it would change?

I write this because although I am good with not having that particular job, it bothers me that I was the one willing to work but because I was the newest in the office I was the one that had to go. How sad it is that people can collect a paycheck doing the smallest amount of work they have to get by and others who are happy just have a job and are willing to work for it get put out.

I know that I will find a new and better job. That God has bigger and better plans for me but, right now sitting and filling out application after application gets tedious and depressing. Yesterday I had to go out to find an outfit to wear for interviews. I have not had to ever truly impress everyone and it scares me to fill out forms to jobs that I am not even sure that I can do everything they require. I don't want to say I can do something that I can't. Honesty....sometimes I wonder does it truly pay? Some days I am not so sure. Joe and Helen keep telling me that I am selling myself short but, I don't find that I do anything "well" just sub standard. I keep on pushing though. Maybe that counts for something.

Update...it's about time

Wow, I had not looked at this in awhile and didn't realize that it has been so long since I updated this thing. By now, we have spent time in San Diego with Justin, Lisa and Frodo can't forget Uncle Frank. We left for San Antonio on Tuesday morning and made good time to El Paso where Joe and I spent the night. Next day we left heading for Jaci and the kids. We spent two night at Jarred's parents house. We had a wonderful time. Got to meet the church family in San Antonio who loves Jaci and the kids....was great to know she is so well taken care of. Jaci took us around a bit in Pleasanton. On Friday morning we left the Huttons toward Jacksonville. We took many stops and Jaci has some pictures at one of the rest stops of the kids stretching their legs. All in all, the kids did great and were real troopers. We ended up stopping in Slidell, Louisiana. The hotel was horrendous and by morning Joe complained and we got the room for free. During a quick run for food and shopping at Wal Mart while Joe had the kids at the hotel James got sick from all the junk food we ended up eating. Next day we ate much smarter. Made good time to Jacksonville. Got to Helen's house and the next day attended church where all of us were baptized except for Geni. Was great to see familiar faces and to have so many remember us.

The week was spent recovering from traveling. We really did not do much all week. Joe has begun working on the house. The bathroom had been started and will be finished this weekend. Tomorrow, a new water heater will be installed and we can all take showers in a row. Right now the original hot water heater from when the house was built is in and you get enough hot water for one shower and have to wait at least a half hour before the next shower. With the kids taking baths, they have to be the last but tomorrow all will change.

Helen went to a wedding for a friend of Christy's out of town. Christy and Alex met her there. We are looking forward to surprising her with the finished bathroom when she gets back. She is a real trooper since we have taken over the house.

I am hoping that my car will get here before Jaci and the kids leave. I will begin working on Monday and it would be good if Jaci and Joe could pick up the car so that I don't have to take time off work. We shall see.

We got our last electric bill from Hawaii today. We were shocked to get a 500.00 final bill for 12 days. 3 of which were not even supposed to be on our bill. But, I am afraid that Brian will be in for quite a shock if they run those AC's all day long. Speaking of my final paycheck from my route, I was not surprised but a little disappointed that Max did not even include a bonus for my almost 12 years of service. Since I never got a bonus from them why should it bother me so much I don't really know but it does. Anyway at least I will work regular hours and no weekends. I am looking forward to it.

We sure are missing Geni. She seems to be doing well but with her being my last baby to leave the roost, it has been hard to let her go. But, in talking with her she seems to be happy and that is very important to me.

I have really enjoyed the time I am getting with jaci and the kids. We have not done much as I said but just having them around has made this time very special. Just watching their faces and actions have been great. We went and got a pumpkin to carve. We tried to find the pumpkin patch that I used to take the kids to but as this area has grown so much the patch is gone. We might stop in one that we saw last night tomorrow but we have many things we want to do tomorrow so time will tell.

Well, I need to end this and get myself into bed. I hope that everyone is doing well and didn't get too bored reading this.

8 and a wu

We are down to the single digits now. Tomorrow, the movers come and pack up the house. Soon, we will check into the Hale Koa for two blissful nights of calmness. It has been hectic and taken some to get things accomplished but for the most part all is almost complete.

I am very much looking forward to seeing Justin, Lisa, Jaci and the kids...yes Jackie you too!! We aren't sure yet how much time we get to spend in each place since the van got out a week behind schedule. In the best of looks, we will be running one day late. In the worst, it could be 3 days. Let's keep the positve vibes going and look at only the one. I am supposed to get to work very soon after we get there and I want to be able to somewhat stay on schedule.

Our family pictures came out very nicely. I was pleased. When I see everyone, I will dispense the pictures.

I know this blog doesn't sound like I am very excited but I really am. We have been running all day long and right now I am sitting in my office at church at 6:27 PM waiting for another hour before we need to go to Hickam to show the Land Rover to a guy who I pray wants to buy it. That is our last hurdle. I did not want to drive home to have to turn back around and come back out. Probably a good thing or I would not have gone with Joe tonight.

Geni, is out of the house and on her own. I miss her dearly already and we haven't even left yet. Last night we had dinner with her and will spend more time with her as we can before we leave. She called me today to let me know that the place she is subbing at asked her to stay on another week. That is good. I pray things continue to go well for her.

Well, that is all for now. I will try to write more before we pack up my computer and ship it off to Justin.

8 and a wu......

updates....

Thought I should just update what is going on here. All is moving forward with our plans to leave. On Sunday, the church had a farewell for a number of us who are moving and it was wonderfully planned and executed. It was a catered picnic in the park. The food was excellent and the fellowship was even better. We were not able to stay very long as my pearly white skin was pretty red and not from embarrassment. Today even I am still in pain on my shoulders when my seat belt rubs me. But, it was wonderful and we dearly appreciated all the work and planning that went into it.

Next week the movers come in to see how much stuff we have and get an idea of how many days they need to move us. The amount of stuff we have is much smaller than it used to be and keeps getting smaller so I doubt they even need the second day that is scheduled.

Joe's brother and his wife came into town last Wednesday. We have had some great visits with them and Joe's other brother George. Always nice when family can be around. We have met some of Rem's family that lives here on island and have had great food to boot.

My cousin Annette and her husband Ray got into town on Saturday. They were troopers Saturday after flying all day and even longer than scheduled we dragged them to a dinner that Joe's brother was hosting. I caught them a couple times at the table trying to stay awake but they really dug in and held their own. Yesterday, we went to the North Shore and saw a site that I had never been to before. It was breathtaking. We had a wonderful time and it was only drawn to a close when we had to return back home in the very early afternoon for me to do my route. When I got home last night I was treated to a wonderful seafood meal. I even brought some leftovers to work with me today so that I could enjoy it a second time. If this keeps up, I will need a new wardrobe before we leave....at least one size larger. Ray and Annette take off today to head to the Big Island for two days and then Maui for two days before returning back here to spend the last week with us.

Geni has decided to stay here on Oahu after we leave. While I am saddened that we won't all be together or even all on the mainland, I have come to pretty much accept what is as what is. God has blessed me with allowing Joe and I to move and maybe I am to learn the lesson that you can't always have what you want...honestly I think I know that lesson I have learned it a time or two before but my dad always told me I had to learn things the hard way. I never let him down either.

The days are going by rapidly but at the same time slowly. I am looking forward to being done with my route. Therefore, it seems like the numbers stay up there as to how many days it is until we leave. But I am sure in no time it will be here and we will be saying goodbye and getting on that plane. Until then, there are many things that need to be accomplished.

Well, time to end this I am sure there is plenty more to write about but time does not allow me.

A Lesson Learned

Last night I was dealt a blow. I have always told my kids that no matter what, your family would be there for you. Last night I realized that I was telling them something that just isn't true. Your family will always try to be there for you but outside forces have a way of butting in where they are not welcome. So be it, I have made every attempt that I can to make things work but my efforts are not to be rewarded. A strangers efforts or so called friend mean more than mine and those others who have attempted. I am at a loss, one of the hardest things for a mother to do is sit back and watch one of her children make a decision that she knows is the wrong one and for the wrong reasons (even if she doesn't really know what they are...) Sad.......................torn up and broken hearted.

Tip toe through the tulips

Word is slowly getting out that we are leaving. I have been so afraid that things will fall through that I won't say much to anyone for fear of having to rescind it later. But, Tuesday Joe went down to the base to check and be sure we were still eligible for a move back to the mainland. They actually said yes! So, if all goes according to our plans in 42 days we will be on our way. In less than that our house will be packed up again (not by us this time thank God!) I am so excited. I can hardly wait. I just keep waiting on the phone call that makes all our plans come to a screaming halt. But, as long as I let God be in control....do you think that I am trying not to let that happen by worrying about it falling through....lots to do got to get clearing.

Pray for us.

the same, the same, the same...

I realized yesterday that no matter how badly I want things to be the same they never will be. Things change, people change and it is so important to have those memories and hold onto them because no matter how hard you try to recreate things it won't be the same. So, have to make new memories and not hold people to trying to make them act like they were....how sad but at the same time, how exciting that we have the daily opportunity to create new memories and build on the old ones. Makes you wonder what the day and next year hold in store...

Talk about wowser....

Yesterday my son's ship pulled into port. It was different seeing it in the eyes of his wife. I knew how special it was when Joe pulled into port but to watch it for my son and his wife was really exciting. It made me cry. These days though if you ask my kids, it doesn't take much to do that. It was wonderful and worth the sunburn an sore back for me. We began watching the progress of the ship around 6:30 am from our house through binoculars. It was exciting to see its progress and know that Justin was on there. When it made the turn closer we left the house and headed down there. In the old days LOL does that sound weird, you could be up on the pier and closer to the ship. Yesterday they had us all corralled on one side down off the pier. Crowded and I don't do well in crowds...but it was worth it. Justin looked fabulous and you could tell he had been working out on the ship. Last night we had a wonderful dinner at Jaci and Jarred's house. It was as if we had all never been separated. I felt so wonderful. Was nice to have the family all together again...Today they check into the cabin. The cabin holds so many wonderful memories for us all. I can hardly wait for me to get off my route to get up there. Building more memories. I can't wait. Justin did such a great job choosing his wife. I couldn't be happier and watching the two of them you know they couldn't either. Lisa is so good for him. She just fit right into the family and you would think she had been there all along. I love it! Will share more later.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Yesterday was a very topsy turvy day for me. I had a run in with my boss for my second job...I tried to quit. He argued with me and by the time we got off the phone my request was set aside as if I had not even made it. I was frustrated and angry. After 12 years the company is trying to institute changes that I know won't work here. They won't listen to me and dismiss me as if I have no knowledge of what I am saying. I already know I don't handle change well but, my opinion should be acknowledged and validated. Instead I am made to feel that I am a bad person and my self esteem is going down, down, down.

I had a guy riding with me to take over for Jaci and he mentioned he was interested in my route when it came available. I hopped on that as quick as a flash and told him that I was seriously wanting to give it up. The guy is a Baptist minister and is studying Biblical counseling. I asked him toward the end of our ride together if listening and helping so many people through negative areas in their lives was not a downer for him....he told me no that mostly the negative in our lives is brought about by sin in our lives. So, last night while I could not sleep I thought about what sin in my life I might have. I realized that one of my biggest sins, is the love of money. For so long, I have allowed myself to stress over the job, stay on it all because of money...so when I took that big step yesterday to give up the job and actually eventually have a life of my own....I told God that my finances are in His hands. Now, onto another sin, micromanagement...bad I am so bad about this. Why did I not sleep well last night...you guessed it, because I worried about the money. How quickly we try to take back issues that only God can work through with us. I have about a month more on the second job before I am confident we will find someone else to take over Jaci's side. In the meantime this guy is willing to run for Jaci and train the next new person and then learn my side and take it. I see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I look forward to a bright light soon.

Issues

I have been thinking a lot about issues in our lives. I wonder, are they really issues or are they issues because I made them an issue. I am not even sure anyone can follow this line of thinking but, it seems to me that I make things issues. Like my sadness over the J's leaving. I should be happy that they are beginning their own journey. I am kind of...but, it is an issue for me to hang onto...to ponder...to make much out of nothing really. Am I going to miss them? Of course, but it isn't as if I am the only person in the world that doesn't have her entire family with her....another example....

Joe and I went to breakfast this morning. We were talking about things and I said that I often think back when I see families with younger children about us and our "younger" kids...back then if you would have told me that I would have so much turmoil so far into my life, I would have laughed you off the planet...did I have issues back then? yes and I thought they were so serious and the worst I would ever experience but, our lives have a way of waiting until you feel at peace...waiting until your guard is down and whamo something hits.

Issues...do I make them more than they are? I think I do. How can I lesson this for me? Anyone have any ideas???

whoops

Public apology. To those I have hurt by trying to make things better. I apologize. My mouth is shut my door is open.

Love,
Mom

Pain

I did not write the blog that follows but, thought that it was a good and appropriate blog at this time in my (our) lives. My thanks to the Bill who wrote this and although I don't have a last name I did get it off of a church of Christ web page.

A Place For Pain

In a world of such pain, suffering, and sorrow, can the idea of a kind and loving God who created this world and watches over it possibly be true? Sick children - terrorist bombings - terrible accidents - grinding poverty making many people cry out: “Where is God?” “Is God in control?” “Is God just cruel?”

In a world supposedly created by a God of Love, is there a place for all this suffering and misery and pain?

Let'’s think about it...First, what purpose does pain serve in our bodies? What is the message from a stubbed toe, a burnt finger, a migraine headache, or sharp chest pains? “SOMETHING IS WRONG! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY!” This is the message that pain carries in our human bodies.

But what about pain in our human lives and relationships? Mental and spiritual pain carries EXACTLY the same message! Something’s wrong! DO something! And the more harmful the situation, the more extreme the pain. Without pain, we would not know to avoid the things that harm us and we would all be quickly overcome!

Second, why is there pain in a world created by an all-powerful and loving God? When did pain enter His creation? When sin came into the world, God was forced to withdraw from His creation. Upon Eve, God said: "I will multiply your pain!". Upon Adam, God said, "By the sweat of your face you will eat bread!". Pain sends the message: SOMETHING IS WRONG! Pain is in this world because mankind has been separated from God by his sin. The farther we separate ourselves from God with the sin in our lives, the more painful our lives become! Pain does not bring doubt of God’'s Word! The pain in this world CONFIRMS God’'s Word that we are lost in sin and separated from our Creator. The pain of loneliness, frustration, emptiness, heartbreak and anger demands: “Something is wrong! Fix it!”

But how does the world try to cure this pain? Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Money. False security. Empty success. Fake smiles. Fading relationships. Vain boasts. Endless chatter.

The only thing these things can do is separate you further from God and INCREASE the pain! What is the true cure for the pain & misery in this world? 1. The world is in pain because it is separated from God. 2. God is Love. 3. Only Love can bring God back into our world. 4. Selfless Love is the ONLY cure for the pain in our lives and hearts.

As a Christian, the place for ALL the pain in our lives in in God’'s hands, given to Him in faith, knowing He will guide us back to peace and joy. Then, as a Christian, WE ARE TO BECOME GOD’'S HANDS to the lost of this world, reaching out in peace, gentleness, and Love to all that are in pain. We are to restore Love to a world separated from the God of Love. We care and have compassion for others so God might heal the broken and abused with His touch that comes from our hands, the children of God's Love Put all your pain in God’'s hands in faith that He will show you how to correct the problems that are causing your pain. Then reach out in love and become God’'s hands to the weary and suffering of this world to ease their pain and loneliness. Touch someone's pain with the same selfless Grace that God touched your pain with. All pain is the result of being separated from God. Only God's touch can truly ease our pain. -Bill

My notes: since we all know how much pain can put stress into our day to day lives, the pain of relationships not being what they should be, may I urge anyone who reads this to review your relationships and reach out as God would reach out to us and fix those relationships. Don't wait do it today rather than later. You never know when the good Lord will call us home. As one who waited to try to mend relationships, but never got the opportunity, please work on those relationships!

Just call me mister blue

I should be working. Unpacking, weeding etc. But, here I sit at the computer as if I had nothing better to do. Just down in the dumps and no reason to speak of. Lots of people at our church dealing with the loss of loved ones or possible loss of loved ones. So many sad and disturbing stories of late that I have read and seen. I just don't know what to make of things. The story of the little boy who has shaken baby syndrom, a man over on the big island who stabbed and killed his 14 year old son, killed the baby of his ex wife by stabbing her. Lots and lots of people going to their maker. Just too much for this tired old body to comprehend at one time. I have to just keep praying for all these people and for myself and my family. As this makes very little sense to me, I guess I will end this for now. Fear not, I will get past all this and write better posts soon I promise.

Hello, can you see me?

We're moved....errrrr....sort of. Right now one room is still filled with boxes and our garage looks a site. But, we are in the new house, yesterday signed out of the old one and well, what can I say? I love the house. Need to work on getting rid of the carpets...my allergies are out of control. Yesterday the cable, phone and internet went back on. Yippee. Now, I feel like we are getting somewhere. I have many things that need to be done and just don't know where to start, so, I just take it one box at a time. Yep you read that right. One box at a time...not a day at a time but a box. Sometimes you just need to put things in perspective LOL.

I need to get things put together by the end of next month when Justin and his wife will be here. I can hardly wait to see them again. I look forward to getting to know my new daughter in law better. She was so very sweet in Germany and I felt she was just the right person for Justin. He needs someone that will keep his eye on the ball and in line. I just know she will keep him straight.

Lately, I have been really missing my dad. It wasn't as if we spent a lot of time together not even on the phone but when you don't have them to call and get irritated at anymore it seems sadder to me. I had googled my name both married and unmarried. Good I think to say nothing surprising came up and nothing bad...that's a good thing. But, there was a site from a family reunion years ago and it had a great shot of my dad. I was able to copy the picture and plan to have it printed out. But, it gave me pause to revisit memories and good times that we had. I wish that I had spent more time with him, caring about him and letting him know. But, I didn't.

This week a man who was dear to me in my early Christian walk passed away. I am happy for him that he has gone on to his reward. Sad for his family because I know how badly it hurts to lose someone you love....I pray they know how much of an example he was to so many and how many peoples lives he touched just by his being who he was. He will be dearly missed.

Well, this is turning out to be quite depressing so, I will end this for now. I will write more when I can find my way through the house without having to dodge boxes.

On the road again...

Coming from an ex-military wife, that should not seem like such a big statement. We knew when we accepted our present lease that we would most likely have to make a move sooner rather than later. So, we have been approved for this huge house. I am excited but overwhelmed all at the same time. I will have space to move and my claustrophobia won't run rampant on me when someone leaves stuff lying around. This is a good thing. I should have been packing this week but I have been sick and just not up to the energy that packing will take. I will have to work diligently this weekend.

This is a busy weekend for me already, we are having our graduation recognition ceremony on Sunday. I am helping with it. I love being able to recognize our youth we have a great bunch of them. It seems like just yesterday that it was my kids who were being recognized. Now, they are gone (almost all of them) and I am helping to show our love and appreciation to others....the kind of busy weekend that I like.

Short post I know but wanted to keep you all up to date on the latest with us. I promise to write more when the fog lifts and my sinuses don't actually have full control over my brain.

I'll be lost...

Yesterday we went and looked at a couple of different houses. We found one close to where we are now so it won't be long and tedious moving. I now have to motivate myself to begin packing the house up. We will be (hopefully) taking possession on June 8th. It will be a busy weekend. The house is huge. When the lady told me 3000 sq ft. I did not think it possible given the houses we have looked at but, I think it could be very close. I am sure that with all I have gotten rid of before the last move that I won't have furniture in every room. But the grand kids will have plenty of rooms to get lost in or find me when I get lost LOL. I am excited, nervous and already tired. But, before the last move, I had almost my entire house packed and ready to go on moving day. It went very smoothly and I hope that this time it will go as smooth. Just have to wait on our application to be approved by the landlord. Once we put in writing our intentions to the current landlord and I had to give a date to the new one for taking possession, I realized that 28 days is not very long. Keep us in prayer please!

upside down, inside out

I feel like that song that I hear....girl you turn me upside down and inside out. We are once again looking for a rental. Some of the places that we look at are a joke. Others have potential. I looked at a lot of places before this one we are in now, I knew was the one. So, we are back at it. We still have to give our 30 day notice to the landlord but, I shudder to think of doing it before I have something. Of course that works against me, since some of the places have been empty for awhile and they need to fill them sooner than we can....I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this. Is it relying on God? Is it having the faith that I know that no matter what we do we are taken care of? Haven't I learned this lesson over and over again? Yet, here I am again....worrying.
As a little girl my sister was the worrier. She could never get over why I didn't worry. I just shrugged and continued on my way. So, today, I guess I make up for it.

As I wrote this, a man came into my office for food. He told me he needed it today. He was diabetic and needed something other than the candy bars he had for breakfast. Hmmmm. He was in a few weeks back and I had a hard time getting him to leave. He asked me to buy him a ticket to Pennsylvania..he wanted to go back home. I explained that I did not have that authority and he just kept staying and asking. To say I was uncomfortable today to have him in there was an understatement. At least this time, Phil was in his office and I was not alone with him. He didn't stay as long. I did give him food and he gave me the rest of his candy bars. And I think I have problems.....

ready, set go

Well, I was doing quite well on keeping my blog updated but had company. It was wonderful having family visit and always special to get to spend special time with both of them. I have to say though I am not sure that the let down after they leave is really healthy for you. I told Joe I had to bring my sister out here...I needed a dose of her. I got her here and for almost 12 days she was a shadow to me. I loved it. I got used to it....and then she had to get back on that plane and leave again. I tired to remain strong and not cry but it was no use, everytime I thought about it, I cried again. I had to kick her out at the curb so that I wouldn't make a fool of myself at the airport. How silly is that??? I miss her already. God has truly blessed me with special family members. I am so fortunate! Thank you Lord!

Getting ready for company

I have this afternoon off. I am cleaning my house in preparation for next week. On Monday Joe's cousin Vicki is coming to stay with us until Saturday afternoon. Vicki lives in Reno and we have not gotten to see her in a long time. Well, I have not gotten to see her in a long time. I think that the last time Joe, Jaci and Geni got to see her James was 6 months old and Vicki has never seen Julie. So, this will be a wonderful visit.

On Thursday my sister arrives. I am very excited to be able to have her out here for almost two whole weeks. We will spend lots of time together and catch up (as if we don't talk every day or almost every day on the phone). She's very special to me can you tell??? I can't wait! I of course have more plans than time so will have to change some of them. We are getting pedicure's....Jackie she will be like you....ticklish feet....I hope she enjoys it as much as you did though. (VBG) She loves to sing in church so, there is an island wide song fest and we will be sure to go to that. The best thing is that she is happy to just hang we don't need to do anything. It will just be good time together. I can't wait for her to meet James and Julie. She has not seen them other than pictures yet.

Oh, by the way...I saw the homeless man on my way in to work today. He looked better, clean white t-shirt, same pants and shoes but they looked like they might have had a trip in the washer. He looked happy. I hope so.

Got to run! Have a great weekend everyone!

The wind rushing through the trees

Most who know me know that I am wanting to move. I love it here but long to be closer to my sister and have the ability to travel cheaply if I so desire. Anyway, today I was walking back to my office from the bathroom and the wind was rushing through the trees. It sounded so cool and so relaxing. It is funny how the beauty of life around us passes us by most of the time. We take for granted the rush of the wind, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the ocean, the majesty of the mountains and all the other things that we don't see each day as we rush to obtain everything we can from each day. I am so thankful that God sees fit to remind us once in a while and let us see and hear things with a new attitude.

those who are the least of us...

Once a month, I get a craving for cinnamon that I just can't quench. I saw an ad for McDonald's that they have cinnamon melts or something like that name...anyway, I drove over there on my way to work this morning. The drive through was crowded so I figured it would be faster for me to go inside. I got in the line and as I was moving forward a homeless man cut in front of me. My first reaction was fear to confront him so I didn't. As he waited his turn in line he kept counting his money and pulling on his shirt as if to make him look better. He had a tank top on that once was white and cream colored pants...they were very wet on the bottom because of the rain. Slippers on his feet. As he got to the counter to order the girl taking the order glared at him and with barely noticing him took the order and moved to fill his order to get him out of the store. While he waited on his order to be filled he went over to the drink area and grabbed some napkins to clean his feet. The manager was up in arms and the looks being thrown to him were horrible. (Not that I am validating him cleaning his feet at the drink counter) When his order was ready, he went up to the counter and very politely said "thank you very much ma'am." This elicited no response from the cashier. She just wanted him out of the store. I felt horrible for this man. Who knows what plight in life brought him down to the depth that he was in. Why are we all (myself included) so quick to judge. I kept thinking of the story that goes around on the internet about the man with the dirty shoes who goes into church and is treated so badly because his shoes are dirty....I work here with the food pantry. I must say that I see the system taken advantage of and often we are asked for other things to help people with. We do what we can.

About two weeks ago, a young homeless girl came in with her three children. Ages 1, 2 and 3. She was a victim of spousal abuse and was waiting on the housing list for something to come available. When she came into my office, I talked to her a little and she reminded me of my daughter Jaci. (Not that Jarred would ever hit her or put her out on the street, I am blessed and relieved to know that he will always take care of her). Just the youngness of her, the three little ones and not sure what to do about the tire that had the metal coming out of it since that was their home right now. The church replaced the tires and I went shopping. I picked up a lot of food for her and the kids. I probably will never see her again but it gave me a wonderful feeling to know that she was for one day able to relax and not worry about if they would have food to eat or if the wheel would hold out for her. I pray for her. That she will get housing and begin to make a new life for her and her children.

Well, not sure why I had to say all that or if I even drew any conclusions but, it was weighing on me and just had to be said.

But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.Matthew 19:29-30

One last happier note: In 9 more days my sister will be out here to meet Jarred and Jaci's babies. I can't wait for her to meet them. Most of all, I can't wait to spend time with her. Our phone conversations just don't cut it. Also, on Monday Joe's cousin Vicki will be here. She took care of Justin and I when Justin was born and Joe was deployed. We stayed with her for about the first 5 months of Justin's life. She is a wonderful person and another one whose has not gotten to meet my sister. I can't wait for them to meet.

Attention to details...

I have this route that I run. It is a simple job and anyone can do it. Lately, I can't seem to focus and apply the attention to details that I need to keep the job less stressful. I got a call at 4:30 this morning that one of the stops I pick up from was missing from my box. Well, I am not awake but I told the guy that I would go down and check the area that I put the box together at...drive down there...low and behold, there they are. Now, I am mad at myself. I allowed myself last night when putting the box together to get sidetracked. An excuse...I don't like to give excuses when it comes down to it, I dropped the ball. Period. So today and tomorrow, Jaci is running my route which means she is under even more pressure to be sure that everything is correct. Twice this week I have made silly mistakes. If only there was a way for me to put everything else out of my head but what I need to take care of in the present time. Arghhhh. Still mad at myself.

Memories

Jackie made me start thinking about memories. You know, losing my mom at such a young age I don't have that many of her. Maybe that is why I try so hard with my kids to have a good relationship with them. I want them to always be able to call on their mom for things and know that I will be there for them. I lost my mother when I was in the 4th grade. A long time ago I know. Really when you think about how many memories of my mother could I have? She was very active at our school that we went to. I remember taking the nuns to a restaurant called "The Horn of Plenty", do I remember the food or conversation during the lunch? Absolutely not. I remember when we had McDonalds once a month. My mother always seem to come out into the hallway where I was waiting in line....not supposed to be talking but was. A gentle kick in the behind let me know that she saw me and what I was doing. I remember walking to church on Sunday mornings...she had asthma so the walks were breathless but she took us. I remember finding out my favorite song when she bought it for me and told me it was my favorite. Don't even remember the name but I remember her telling me this is your favorite song. How funny... Funny thing is, I don't remember many holidays with her. I remember Easter with my father because my uncle worked at Betsy Ann Candies and we had the best ever candy...I remember my dad setting up the platform every year for Christmas but I don't remember mom being in the holidays. Just goes to show that we must pick and choose our memories. I know she was there and I probably deep down have them. One day something might happen that will jog my memory but at this time, she is only there in my heart for the holidays. I can tell you that not a holiday or day for that matter goes by that she isn't thought about and loved.

Well, guess I rambled enough. Sorry.

Just curious

Have you ever had those days or weeks where you were angry or sad deep down inside but you just did not know the reason? I have been in a funk for no reason. I just am angry or sad but I don't know the why or there where. I wonder in those times what the deep seated reasoning is for that and if ever I will know why. I have no reason to be angry or unhappy other than the normal everyday ups and downs. But there it is, I am. Oh to be more like Him. I strive to have that inner strength that was written down for us to use as our daily example. I want to be more like Him...one day at a time. I seem to be writing that a lot. Hmmmmm

Christianity 101

Another good one from Scott Self from Honolulu cofC

There are times when we tend to lose our focus on what it means to be a disciple of Christ. Our attention gets diverted to things we think are important, and away from things our Master said are important.

If there is one central characteristic or quality of a disciple of Jesus described in the New Testament, it is the quality of love. One cannot begin to understand God's desire and will until one spends a lifetime looking into this most important of virtues.

When Paul addresses the church in 1 Corinthians, there seems to be a dispute as to which gift of the Spirit is most important. Some are able to speak in languages, others are able to speak in prophecy. But Paul would have the church understand that there is "a more excellent way." He calls the church to pursue the most precious gift of the Holy Spirit - the gift of love. Absence of love leaves any other gift useless and benign.

Jesus Himself, at the Sermon on the Mount, challenges His disciples to be perfect, even as your heavenly Father is perfect. What quality is Jesus talking about when He mentions perfection? Love for one's enemies. Loving others (specifically enemies) is the very definition of God's perfection.

John is inspired to instruct the church in SEVERAL of his writings that we have been given a new and central commandment - "That you love one another, even as I (Jesus) have loved you." John would remind us that God is love, and that those who do not love have no part with God.

It seems so obvious - so shouldn't it be easy? It's not. Love demands that we make some of the most difficult choices at some of the most challenging times. Thinks of Jesus asking for forgiveness for those who have murdered Him at the cross. It might be a challenge to love people who are crucifying you. It might also be a challenge to love people in your life who oppress, hurt, or say harmful things to or about you.

And it's very easy for us to assume that there should be "limits" on our love. After all, we can only love so much, right? This is where a healthy does of Gospel becomes very important - "While we were still enemies, at the right time Christ died for us." God showed His unending love for us when He offered His only unique Son. This demonstrates that there are NO limits in God's love, and we should strive to be people of limitless love as well.

Another great one

I don't know who to give the credit to for this one but, I have loved this everytime I have read it and wanted to share it here....

PRIORITIES

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No. Patience is a byproduct
of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from
worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No. You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy in life.
God said No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as God loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is.

Cute and touching

Last night I had the pleasure of keeping the grand kids over night so that Jaci could continue fighting this flu bug that has her down. After getting Julie asleep in my bedroom in the playpen, I took James out to the couch and laid down with him. He is a cuddle bug. Once he fell asleep I pushed the love seat over to the couch to give him extra space and make sure he did not fall off the sofa. At 1 am I heard a thump and a grunt and got up to investigate. I was looking for James but did not see him when I spotted two little feet waving. His head had gone between the sofa and loveseat but the rest of his body was help in place. I guess when I pushed the loveseat over I didn't get it flush up at the top. So, we cuddled some more and while we were cuddling his little hand came into mine and it was such a joy and rush for me. In the dark it seemed so tiny and so filled with love. I was just overtaken with emotion. I love getting those times with them and worry about when they leave that I will miss them dearly. I am so thankful for the times I get with them and those memories that will stay with me for a lifetime. Thank you Jaci and Jarred for two beautiful grand babies and giving me time. I love you all.

Testing...

The past week or so has been a real test for me. I have never grasped the idea of not worrying. We found out that our lease will go month to month in May. We don't want to go month to month we wanted at least another six month lease. So, the hunt is on. I should not worry I know that God will provide but, I am back to not sleeping well, and going through the days in blurs.

The route has been stressful to say the least. Last night we found out that our drop dead time to get the box to the airport is 7 PM now. LOL...I can't tell you the last time we got there by 7. It just doesn't work in the time frame of things. Only if we yell at the clinics and tell them to have it ready could it possibly work. But, if an accident happens or traffic is heavier than the normal heavy forget it.

Okay, now that I have put two of the many issues in my life down maybe I can unfog a little and get on with life. Then again...Pray for us.

Attitude

This is from Charles Swindoll:

"The longer I live, the more I realize

the impact of attitude on life,

Attitude to me, is more important

than facts.

It is more important than the past,

than education, than money,

than circumstances, than failures,

than successes, than what other people

think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance,

giftedness or skill.

It will make or break a company...

a church...

a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a

choice

every day regarding the attitude

we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past...

we cannot change the fact that people

will act in a certain way.

We cannot

change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do

is play on the one string we have,

and that is our attitude...

I am convinced that life is

10% what happens to me

and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you...

we are in charge of our attitudes."

Stop and Consider

You know that I like to put things in here that I read and it hit home. This one hits home for me and is something I need to dwell on every day.

STOP AND CONSIDER

Before you choose to become angry, consider that your anger is not likely to achieve anything. Remind yourself that there is a more positive and productive response available to you.

Before you allow an unexpected distraction to throw you off course, consider that you do have another choice. You can choose to move quickly beyond the distraction, and to stay focused on your original task.

When you're tempted to feel resentful or sorry for yourself, stop and consider that such feelings will only intensify your difficulties. Choose instead to feel gratitude and to experience the real empowerment it can bring.

If you just don't feel like making the effort, stop and reconsider. Make the most of each opportunity to create value before that opportunity slips away.

When it seems that nothing is going your way, consider that in every defeat there are the seeds of triumph. Choose to find the positive aspects and to build on them.Before you give your time, energy and effort to negativity, stop and thoughtfully consider the implications of what you're about to do. Give yourself the chance to choose a more positive and enriching path.

-- Ralph Marston

Wow!!!

This is from one of the other church's bulletins on island:

ON LEMON AVENUE

A homeless woman in Dallas used to pan-handle on the overpass of Lemon and the North-Central Expressway. She'd hold up her make-shift sign, smiling and waving at passing cars. She usually looked - believe it or not - happy. Sometimes her hair would be in pigtails, and occasionally she'd wear a clever hat or t-shirt. She'd always be smiling - her toothless smile. She'd wave her incredibly skinny arms with an even playful flair at times.
But those who were from our neighborhood knew the rest of the story. We saw her in the drug-store, worn and weary from spending her entire day on the bridge. We saw her becoming increasingly gaunt and skeleton-like. We saw her digging for leftovers behind restaurants. And we all knew where she lived - among the headstones and sepulchers in the cemetery along Lemon Ave.
Many from our neighborhood would bring her coffee on their way to work, or a sandwich on their lunch break. I even once saw a motorist hand her a coat one cold evening. But for all the kindnesses, smiles, waves, and good will, she would leave the bridge to return to her makeshift home among the decay and emptiness that defined the cemetery and her life. The month before we left Dallas for Hawaii, the news was spread through the neighborhood - she died that winter.
What that woman did each day, putting on a brave smile for passersby, is really no different from what most of humanity does. Living lives with no hope, no real home, no purpose, and no promise, the world often puts on a brave smile - smiling when there's no real reason to smile. Happy for a fleeting moment, we have taken the gifts that the world offers, always knowing that emptiness, sorrow, and hopelessness was our lot in life - that when it's all said and done, the cemetery is our home.
But because of the body and the blood broken for us, we lean that the cemetery is not our eternal home. We're not asked to pretend to be happy, knowing that our lives are destined for the grave. Rather we are given the opportunity to know real joy. We endure through tragedy and heartache not because we've learned to pretend our way to happiness - but because we've real hope. The cemetery is not our home - there's a place on the other side that Christ has prepared for us. And by His sacrifice and resurrection, we have the hope and assurance of enjoying that home forever.
Written by: Scott Self

MRI results are in

Sorry for the delay in posting has been quite hectic here.

The MRI shows that I have an arachnoid cyst on the right side of my brain. An arachnoid cyst is a cyst that is filled with spinal fluid. Where it is located is close to the nerves that would affect my face and my hearing. So, unless I start showing symptoms that the cyst has enlarged there is nothing to be done. I am to follow up at the doctor in six months for another MRI.

This cyst would not affect my headaches so I was told to go back to my family practice doc and continue pursuing this further.

I am relieved! Thanks everyone for your concern and love for me.

MRI results

Tomorrow I go in for my MRI results. I am going in knowing that there can't be anything wrong or I would have heard from them by now. So, this is just to close off this chapter in my life. After I get the all clear for this I need to go to the doctor and see about getting relief for what I think is arthritis. I have been having very bad pain in my right arm. Not shooting pains as in heart attack kind but just when I go to use the arm.

I feel horrendous as a person who was treated very nicely and did not reciprocate that niceness. So, this is my public apology to those of you who sent cards....people I did n't even know who cared enough to brighten my day. And I must say that you really did brighten my day. I bought thank you cards to send. Carried them back and forth in my car for two weeks and then lost them. Cards, addresses and the whole nine yards. Please forgive me for being such a horrible person and not responding! It truly did touch me to get them.

As for posting on here, I am not big on it and don't imagine it will get much better. But, things are going well and rolling right along. Many things in my mind and on my heart that I can't and won't write out...would make it too much of a reality.

Please keep in mind a couple from our church who are in the beginnings of a divorce. I am so saddended by it but it does make me appreciate what I have and hopefully I will learn from this to never take Joe for granted and to let him know that I appreciate him. So easy to do and how sad is it that we don't do it?

Okay, enough said. I will write tomorrow to give the all clear.

I'm all right

Just to set the records straight, I am really doing all right. I went into the ER on Sunday afternoon because I had a killer of a headache. I was nauseated and felt like I had creepy crawlies in my hair. They did a CAT scan and found that I have fluid at the base of my lower brain. They said this normally is nothing but they wanted to follow it up. I would have suffered through my headache as I always did but, when I went to the eye doctor for pain in my left eye, he cautioned me that my optic nerves looked not right. If I had headache, nausea or vomiting and creepy crawlies on my head to go to the ER right away. He scared me and as I tried to get past the pain Sunday by laying down his words kept going through my head. So, I told Joe we should go. Anyway, I have to go back for an MRI on the 24th and next tuesday I go back to the eye clinic for a side vision test. The doctor that saw me at the eye clinic yesterday told me that my optic nerves looked discolored so this test is for that. I go to see the neurosurgeon February 15th and that will tell me a little bit more. So, I will move forward in the state of denial until I am given reason for anything else. But, while I move forward I request your prayers that this will all turn out to be nothing. Thanks to all who have called and most of all those who have lifted me up in prayer.